The Grabber

I have a weak back that gets sore if I'm bent over for any length of time. Which is what is required if you have to double over and pick things up repeatedly. We have lots of pine cones on the lawn and falling in our newly-planted garden and you can twist an ankle or fall if you step on one.

So I plan to carry a pail in one hand and use a grabber with the other so as to minimize the wear and tear. Like the guy in the picture, although I don't plan to wear a badge or funny-looking shorts.

Enter age denial, stage right in wifely form. "It makes you look old" she says.
I am old my darling, I just turned 69 I reply. Besides, it's for my back. Surely you don't want me to hurt my back again, do you?

"Oh don't be silly, how can picking up things hurt your back?" I mumble the last incident which I think put me in traction and she says "But it didn't require surgery, did it?"

Getting back on my feet I said, Look at all that dirt I'm wheelbarrowing into YOUR garden, my little butterfly. That takes a toll on my back too, you know.

"But using THAT THING makes you look like those people in jumpsuits you see along the highway for heaven's sake. Besides, exercise is good for you.

I'm certain that phrase will eventually be on my tombstone. I can't count the number of times when cardiac arrest was just around the corner because I'm being urged forward with those charming words. Sally used to say them to Andrew our aging sheltie too, until the vet told us he had heart disease. Boy, did she feel bad about having dragged him around after that.

So I tried logic, probably not one of my better decisions. I said, Precious, I can gather MORE pine cones in LESS time thereby giving me more time to do chores for you. "Chores?!?" she says. "You. Doing. Chores. For. Me?" She has this way with words.

The only way I "won" this round (ed. note: "winning" is relative in the context of spousal disagreements) is because I was returning about 40 bucks' worth of stuff to the store at the time. Since the grabber was $19.95 I cried See? We just MADE 20 bucks by getting this!