(NOTE: This is a spoof written by a frustrated mortgage broker, it is NOT factual.)
> *All borrower's birth certificates will be required with pictures taken in the hospital with medical staff. Birth certificate with a live home delivery will not be eligible for first time home buyers.
> *Marriage certificate with bridal dress will be required if both husband and wife are required to qualify for the loan.
> *GFE will not require signature but will require blood sampling from a recognized institution within three days of application.
> *DNA testing will be performed at closing to avoid any arm-length transactions. Loan funding will be contingent upon satisfactory receipt of DNA results.
> *Verification of Deposit will be acceptable only if bank representative is present at closing.
> *Copy of pay stubs and W-2s will be acceptable through IRS only with a wax sealed envelope mailed directly to lender.
> *Seven witnesses from neighborhood will be required as proof of primary residence if borrower owns more than one property.
> *All appraisers will be required to use a mask and ear plugs at time of inspection, to avoid any personal influence by the borrower for the appraised value.
> *In order to correctly calculate DTI and true house ratio a list of grocery items, monthly usage, and brand names will be required with receipts and projected 12 month consumption chart.
> *Closing will not occur without loan officer presence at settlement and loan officer picture will be taken at the closing in a mug shot format with loan number. Picture should meet standard guideline of 2x2 inch in color format with one facing and one side view.
> *Loan officer picture will be attached to the deed and note and will be made available for general public and security agencies in case borrower defaults on loan.
John Gregori
Branch Manager
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